Very wet.

My town is prone to flooding. It doesn't do it too often, but in the last 2 years it has flooded both years. Last year was a fairly big flood that saw me travelling in an emergency services boat filled with donated food to another part of the town that was cut off. Fun times. This time around was just a minor flood that probably inconvenienced a few people and made a mess of the local park. I learnt a lot from the larger flood (this one was hardly worth noticing). The disaster brought out the best and worst in people. We heard that people were fighting in service stations for the last loaves of bread. And yet people were donating time, money and their own precious food supplies to help perfect strangers. I think hardship really highlights the true person you are inside. I think our first world nations could do with a little hardship so that the generations that are growing up now can have a sense of perspective, and recognise the true blessings they have in their lives.

Soaking up the land.

With my family moving soon I need to soak up living on land while I can. I may never live on acreage again. So while I've got it I need to get outside with the kids, run around, fly a kite, have a bonfire, catch insects, pick flowers, go for walks and explore the dam. So on Sunday that is exactly what we did. It had been raining the whole weekend which had forced us all inside a lot more than I wanted. But with it easing off, the children asked if they could get into some swimmers and gumboots and head down to the dam. It ended up being a wonderful time of exploration as the water from the rain was flowing like a tiny waterfall into the dam and making the bank all muddy. We didn't get much time down there before we had to get dressed again and go out. But that time was just precious.

A new house

I've decided to ignore my ex-wife's advice and go ahead and buy a new house. My house I'm living in now settles in 2 months and then I will have to live somewhere. My ex is suggesting that I rent so that I can pack up everything easily at the end of the year and follow her to the city so we can continue our child custody arrangements. But I have no interest in following her around the place, so I think I'm going to just settle where I am as I always intended to do. So today I put in an offer on a house and it was accepted. By mid next week I will have signed the contract and be organising building and pest inspections. It is very exciting. The children went through the house with me last Wednesday and they love it to. I want them to have something secure with me. I want them to have a house they are excited to go to where things are familiar. And I plan on making this next house a very permanent residence that screams out who I am, and who we are as a family. Tomorrow morning I should take some photos of my kids while they are with me, and I may even take some photos of the cast from the play I am rehearsing at the moment. I'll try to post on here again soon so you can see a little bit of where I live. It is very wet and rainy at the moment, but that can be very beautiful.

I love my chooks.

I have chickens. I need to give them some love and attention tomorrow as it has been raining for a few days and therefore I have just left them locked up in their coop. I love it when I get to let them out and they just wander around. The other afternoon I stayed outside with them as it was getting late so that I could try out some camera settings with my new camera to capture low light images without a flash. While I was lying on the ground my chickens all just stayed around me pecking at bits of grass. They really like being close to me which is pretty cool. They ended up being the target of many of my photos, most of which completely failed. But the one I posted here was too funny to delete. I would love for people to add a caption to this photo :)

Hope for no reason.

It is amazing that nothing can change in your life except your attitude, and everything can start feeling very different. I've decided that I'm just going to assume my kids are staying in this town with me, fight tooth and nail for that to happen, and continue on with my life. But with a hope being renewed inside me something is quite different. I'm coming out of a moment where I realised how dark the world would be if I couldn't see my children. So now as I step out of that darkness all I want to do is see my kids, love them, wrap them in hugs and make their life exciting and fulfilling. It sounds like the sort of stuff I should be doing already. Yes, I should be. But as much as I treat my children well and have fun with them, I could do so much more. I should be an excellent Father, not just a good one.

Feeling uneasy.

I'm looking forward to getting my kids back this week as I want to photograph them all over the place. Then I will have snazzy photos to add to here so that it's not just a wall of text. It is coming.

My initial shock, sadness and anger from the other day has definitely died down now, but I still feel it bubbling under the surface. One of the major things that my life has taught me in the past year has been finding out what is truly important, and revelling in it. So I found out too late how important my marriage was and that I should have been showering my wife in love every day. That ship has sailed. If I ever get a chance to be that special to someone else I know the sort of man I need to be. But in the last week I have really been slapped around in regards to my children. I know that I am a good person and that I love my children. They love seeing me and we have some fun times together. But early last week my son asked me why we don't play together like other Dads do with their kids. I was able to give a logical response about only having them for half a week, and most of that time they are at school. But it really hit me. And he was completely right. I'm on autopilot with my children in the same way I was on autopilot with my wife. My ex wife has gifted me (inadvertently because she wanted extra time without the kids) more time on the weekend to spend with my children. I get a whole day where I could take them bushwalking, or go feed the ducks, or play in a park or throw a frisbee around. But what they really want is for me to get up from the computer and go see what they are doing. If they are colouring in or drawing, then I should sit down and join them. If they are playing with dolls and teddy bears, then I should grab one too. This is the sort of thing I used to do. I play with the kids at school all the time. That is so mixed up. I am committing to loving my children much better from now on. Loving them as an action, not just through words.

Sometimes it is hard to see at all.

I've just bought a new camera so I could start capturing images of my kids in a new vibrant way. I'm also going to use the camera extensively at work but i am truly excited about the camera pushing me outdoors with my children to spend wonderful natural times with them. I see it forcing me to take long walks with them, explore our property with them, go on bush walks or just play at the park. All the stuff that I should do more often but I find hard to fit in now that I'm single. I love my children more than anything. I miss them so much when I don't have them, and I am always frustrated that my time with them seems to be rushing to get to school and then getting them ready for bed at the end of the day. I love relaxed weekends with my children. And it is during these times that I should grab every opportunity to get outside and see the world. I plan to, I know I will.

My ex-wife (well, we are getting divorced soon) sent me an email today. She has told me that she doesn't want to live in this town anymore. She will see out the year and then she is going to take my kids and live 3 hours away in the city where her family lives. I'm finding it hard to type. There are so many emotions raging within me right now, and I can't find a single one that is pleasant. She said that the best option would be for me to move to the city too and then we can continue our shared care arrangement.

It is difficult to explain briefly everything I would need to in order for you to understand this situation. The fact that my ex is emotionally unstable and will discover that this thing she "needs" at the moment will fade in time and then she will "need" something else. The fact that she currently has a boy friend who lives near the city and therefore she is making this decision in order to get closer to him. The fact that my teaching job is so important to me. In my town I am known by almost everyone as the fun teacher at my school and so many people enrol in the school because of me. My school community is family to me. The fact that I can't stand cities. I want to live a simple life with close, good friends and a relaxed lifestyle. And I want that for my kids too. The fact that last year I got to teach my son at school and it was one of the most wonderful experiences ever. And next year, if my children are around, I will get to teach my youngest son. I don't want to miss that opportunity. There we go, now the sadness is setting in. I'm sorry to hit my audience (currently none, but maybe one day) with such a big issue in my second post, but as I created this blog the other day I was so hopeful of the future and I didn't see this coming. I don't think this blog is going to have the same feel to it anymore. I was buying a new house in town in a few months and I was going to build my children a cubby house and put fairy lights all through the house for Christmas. My son is entering his 2nd year of dance and he is already becoming a star. My ex is stating that there will be more opportunities in the city for him to extend his dance. But here he can really shine because it is a much smaller place. The opportunities are fine here, you just need to create them yourself. And that is something I excel at. I am a well known face of my town because I MC weddings, host the annual Christmas Carols concert, run the school awards nights and am always involved in local theatre. I am involved in everything, and therefore so are my kids. They won't get that chance in the city, it is too big. No one will know them, they will just be a number.

I'm just piecing information together now. I knew it would be hard to spill all of this out. I'm just so sad that I could lose my kids. And so angry that my ex-wife feels that she has all the power, is always manipulating me and is so selfish that she will destroy everything we have built up since the children were born here just so she could be more comfortable. Since she broke up our marriage there are people in the town who are disappointed in her. I understand why she wants to run away and hide near her Mum, but it is selfish none the less.

I'm going to post this now. I don't even know what I just said. I'm so sad.